I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
