We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
