I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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