Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
