Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
