I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
