Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
