I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
