My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
