I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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