I CAN MOONWALK!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
