I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
