she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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