he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
