I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
worst night to have a conscience
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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