made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
