You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
