Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize