Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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