walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
