I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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