I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
