I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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