smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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