you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
there is glitter all over my balls
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
