textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Houston, we have a blender
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
