Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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