im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
