my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize