weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
