Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
