My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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