Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
