i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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