Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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