How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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