I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
