Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
