with your own penis?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
