She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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