it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Houston, we have a blender
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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