the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
