i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
