video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize