You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
