I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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