I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
