it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dignity is for republicans.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
