11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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