i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Houston, we have a squirter
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
