It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
