You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
