I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
