I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
