Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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