masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i came on her dog
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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