does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate all girls vehemently.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
