Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
