Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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