You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
