Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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