I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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