Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My hand turned me down
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
