he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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