I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
